6 of Uncle Albert’s most ridiculous war stories from Only Fools and Horses
'During the war...'
Uncle Albert arrived in Peckham during series four of Only Fools and Horses and instantly became a hilarious hindrance to Del Boy and Rodney Trotter.
Albert (Buster Merryfield) had spent his younger days leading a very interesting career at sea after joining the Navy and loves telling anyone who will listen about his days in conflict.
Famously starting each tale with “during the war…”.
His overly-dramatic stories are timeless and very dubious!
Episode: Jolly Boys’ Outing
The three Trotters are bedding down for the night in an old bed and breakfast after being stranded in Margate.
Del: “Could do with an extra blanket, I’m freezing in here.”
Rodney: “Yeah, it is a bit cold, innit?”
Uncle Albert: “Cold? You don’t know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.”
Episode: Strained Relations
Albert talking to Rodney about Grandad at his wake in Nelson Mandela House.
Albert: “Shame really, me and him lost touch with each other years ago. I spent most of my life at sea. Royal Navy, Merchant. Do’you know I was torpedoed five times! Do you know what the crews nicknamed me?”
Rodney: “Jonah?”
Albert: “No, they didn’t call me Jonah – not many of them. They used to call me Boomerang Trotter cause I always came back!”
Episode: Jolly Boys’ Outing
Albert talking to baby Tyler Boyce in the market: “So there I was, at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler – sailing into the unknown.
“It was 23:00 hours, and the night was blacker than a bailiff’s heart. And out the darkness came this German torpedo boat.
“Quick as a flash, without giving a second’s thought to me own safety, or anyone else’s, I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat’s bow. We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute. That’s why they gave me this medal.
“One day, if you’re lucky, you might win one of these. But then again, hopefully not.”
Episode: Dates
Albert: “There was an American aircraft-carrier, was lying off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we’d only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn’t half make a noise.”
Del Boy: “You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?”
Uncle Albert: “Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.”
Rodney: “Was your ship badly damaged?”
Uncle Albert: “We couldn’t tell, Rodney, it sunk!”
Episode: Fatal Extraction
Uncle Albert sits in The Nag’s Head and discusses whales with Trigger and Rodney.
Albert: “During the war I was in a submarine in the Barents Sea, and we got attacked by a whale.”
Rodney: “It was most probably trying to protect its young Albert.”
Albert: “No it wasn’t. It fancied us.”
Rodney: “A whale got the hots for your submarine?”
Albert: “It was horrible. We were shaking all over the place.”
Trigger: “Like your worst nightmare innit, Dave.”
Rodney: “No, my worst nightmare is sitting in the pub having a conversation with you two!”
Albert: “It went on for about half an hour. The skipper told us to hang on for dear life and don’t do anything to annoy it. He put the periscope up at one point.”
Trigger: “Up where?”
Albert: “He looked through it and went as white as a sheet. God knows what he saw. But that man never ate halibut again!”
Rodney: “So what d’you do when it was over? All lie back and have a cigarette?”
Uncle Albert: “Don’t take the mickey out of me, Rodney. Have you ever tried to lay an underwater telephone line during the mating season?”
Rodney: “No, No, I haven’t.”
Uncle Albert: “Well, my advice to you, son, is don’t ever attempt it.”
Episode: Time on Our Hands
Albert and Del Boy sit at the table to discuss a way of occupying Rodney’s mind.
Uncle Albert: “During the…”
Del Boy: “If you say during the war one more time, I’ll pour this cup of tea over your head.”
Albert: “I wasn’t going to say during the war!”
Del: “Alright then”.
Albert: “Bloody little know all!”
Del: “I’m sorry.”
Albert: “That’s alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany.. I was sailing on a frigate – HMS Finch in the Adriatic. Now, in those days, a ship’s crew was full of stress and fear.”
Del: “Yeah, I’m not surprised, when they saw you walking up the gangplank.”
Albert: “Our skipper Captain Kenworthy used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.”
Del: “Really? That must have cheered you all up, didn’t it?”
Albert: “Well, it took their minds off the U-boats and the sharks.”
